Why I hate my size but don’t want to lose weight

Okay, so perhaps the title is slightly deceptive. I have never liked how I looked, never liked my size, my boobs, my hair, my teeth. It’s extremely common; I don’t think I’m special for feeling at odds with my appearance. And I desperately want to lose weight, but right now I refuse to make a proper go of it.

This seems such an odd post to write, I know. It’s quite self-indulgent, I admit.

I’ve never been happy with how I have looked, particularly regarding my body. Since about the age of 14 I’ve always been slightly chubby and from 16 I’ve been a full-blown fatty.

Since then I have massively fluctuated up and down in weight. When I put my mind to it, I am able to lose weight easily and it’s a great feeling when it happens. But since I have realised how related my cravings are attached to whatever I’m feeling, I’ve decided to look inwardly and figure out what my real reasons for committed weight loss goals and how quickly I can fall out of a habit.

I’m going to be honest here, and it’s incredibly difficult to admit… but I’ve never lost weight for any other reason than to look better, to spite someone or to impress someone. I’ve never lost weight and felt more confident in myself because I’ve never approached it from a holistic viewpoint, even when I told myself I did.

Recently I had a conversation with my partner’s Mum. She put it succinctly when she said “you need to understand that you’re not just a brain. It’s okay to be a body too.”

The phrase rattled around in my head for weeks. I thought and thought about it and what it meant. She has lost weight and taken a very healthy attitude towards life including quitting smoking and finding solace in exercise routines. She is a happier person for it. My lovely partner, her son, was a huge piece of that puzzle for her, encouraging her that it was okay to care about her body, it wasn’t going to take anything away from her personality.

beforeandafter

I think there’s a fear that if I lose weight just to look better that it might happen. Hold up, I know that’s strange but… what if I do? What if I look good and stop being who I am? Is that something that could happen? What if I looked better and it gave people more cannon fodder to find other things they don’t like about me, deeper, more scathing comments they could make than things based on my appearance?

I fear so, so strongly becoming arrogant, out-of-touch and unrelatable.

It’s been interesting thinking about this conundrum in my head. And perhaps it’s just the result of overthinking but I’ve decided one thing:

I have to be okay with how I look now and who I am now before I lose weight. I want to lose weight for health and not to focus on the superficial feelings of pride I might get.

I have one goal, the biggest and more fearful thing I could ever do. And I encourage anybody who reads this and is interested to join me: I want to pose nude for painters. I want to be okay enough to be naked in front of others and then see their paintings and understand the beauty. What will they capture? How will they enjoy painting me? Will it scar them? Or will they just paint because that’s what they’re there for and they don’t actually mind.

Please understand this post isn’t anti-diet or weight loss. I think it’s an incredible way to show yourself your own strength and it’s such a great journey. I just realise I have become a certain kind of person who thinks a certain way and I’m going to indulge in that and use my blubber to understand myself.

If anybody is interested in doing live modelling for the reasons I’ve listed above, let’s do it together. You can look at my stretch marks, my eczema and my weird belly button and then we’ll just fucking feel good!

Thanks for reading, and again, apologies for what is very self-indulgent.

Enjoy your day!

Ps LIKE my comedy page: Stephanie Tisdell

Also, check out my show: “Identity Steft”

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