Welcome to my brand new time-wasting hobby: blogging.
The phrase ‘idle hands make for idle minds’ is playing on a continuous loop through my mind that is almost driving me mad. Think of that Simpsons scene:
In my mind, the remnants of anxious thoughts gone by and the lingering fear of a breakdown on the horizon keeps me frozen in place. If I commit to a job, do I have to commit to a career path? At what point do you give up on your ‘dreams’ in the pursuit of stability? If I go on Centrelink, am I lazy? Does it go against my most basic principles i.e. wanting to make a difference and be the master of my own destiny.
I suppose there’s room for much thought on this subject. Without getting too Meta here – is anybody really in charge of their destiny anyways? Are we not all some floating matter interacting with each other? Whether you believe in fate, religion, or science, the question of freedom and control has been taken out of our individual realm in any kind of real sense. It is left in the hands of the proverbial ‘they’ (the fates, God, guiding spirits). And if we are just random smashing atoms making weird things happen –well then nothing we do has an affect either as everything is random.
So perhaps I can ease some of my guilt there. Perhaps ‘they’ always planned for me to go onto Centrelink so I could learn fucking patience, poverty and how to get stuck in an internet loop ultimately leading back to an overwhelming feeling of inadequacy.
I walked into Centrelink today and it was a visual assault of baby shit green, fake laminate wood and every shade of beige you could imagine. Oh, and frowns. Lots and lots of frowns. Nobody gives a shit – everybody stopped caring a while ago I think. And I couldn’t help but to feel like there was something so wrong with this dead-end feeling the office gave off. I would have loved some bright colours, even one single smiling face and anything that seemed to signify that this is not the end of the line and the end of all hope.
I’m incredibly grateful we have the luxury of having a Government scheme that can look after our people in difficult times. But as a free-spirit with an intrusive and intellectual brain, there is a silent argument in my head that chides myself for being just another statistic. I never want to be a number.
(As an aside, I think there is certainly a difficulty for policy to be empathetic – but I’ll touch on that in a later post 😉 )
So how did I get to this position where I’m looking to go on Centrelink? This is how we get to my second point… At what point do you cash in the dream and seek stability?!
I suppose the first thing to say here is that I’m aware that this is such a First World Problem. It is the most firstiest worldiest of first world problems, I know. I’m not sure if that’s reason to discount it though.
You see, as it turns out – I’m a dreamer. And this means I’m always slightly too present or not present at all. It means that I have terrifying concept of the future but no real world understanding of consequences of my actions and how they affect this future.
All I want is to do what I love and love what I do. That thing I have an unending amount of passion about is comedy. Writing, thinking it, performing it… though, weirdly enough, not really watching it. I have a really irrational fear I’ll watch someone and then accidentally steal their material because it’s in my mind. But that’s neither here nor there
Because I want to be a comedian but struggle with anxiety, low self-esteem and absolutely no understanding of budgeting and finance, things are hard. Basically, what my journey towards the dream currently looks like is this:
Nothing. Just nothing. It is usually a battle of voices in my brain that keep me in a state of flux. On one hand, there is a voice that believes that I am able to do the things I want so long as I put in the hard work and effort required. The other voice reminds me that it is more likely that I am deluded and that the eyes that watch on might be giggling at me, or looking on with pity. Either way, they come to the same conclusion that if I was meant to do this – they can come to me. Oh yeah, but here’s the catch: if I’m working and I don’t have the flexibility to move about freely picking and choosing my gigs – the job is not worth having because it will only get in the way of my true passion.
So, anybody reading this: have you ever struggled with this feeling of being stuck? I’m still passionate about my dream but are there any tricks you use to push through the anxiety in order to move forward and make your own luck?